Welp, we’ve moved! It has been about a month and we are now getting used to life in sunny (? it has been raining a lot) California. We moved to the Bay area which has been such a reality shock for both of us I think. Bazza lived in California when his Dad was in the Navy and spent time on the West Coast in Washington state during his time in the Navy but this is my first time being on this coast. We went to a grocery store the other day and I almost had a panic attack because there were so many gluten free options for me, I just got so excited that I worked myself up into a panic attack. Well, that coupled with Bazza pulling an Infinity War on me and vanishing in the supermarket when I was talking to him, that worked me up into a panic attack. Was my first thought to just sit on the floor and cry until someone helped me find him? Yea, it was. Am I proud of that? No, obviously I’m not.
I think the biggest change comes from staying at home all day. My day starts at 5:30am when Baz wakes me up and I drive him to the train station, I drop him off and head back home where I can go back to sleep if the dogs let me, or if my mind lets me. From there I can do whatever I want to during the day, which is freeing but also stressful. I am currently not medicated as I should be for my ADHD, so some days I hyperfocus on my task list and other days I lay in bed and watch Sims content on Youtube. It’s called balance, look into it, or don’t cause I don’t think I would recommend it. I feel like I have so much time on my hands and yet there isn’t enough time in the day at the same time. My priorities get mixed around and I focus on cutting myself bangs instead of doing something productive to help the house run.
All that to say, I am really enjoying it out here so far. It has been a nice change of pace to my depression that I felt in Charleston, being out here has been better for my mental health even though I’m far from being properly medicated. I can just relax and enjoy unemployment instead of stressing, trying to find a job, knowing we were moving soon, and not being able to stay in that position so feeling guilty and entering a negative self-spiral of how much of a piece of shit human I am and………I’m doing it again.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, I can now relax and enjoy unemployment, which has lead to me taking up some interesting hobbies. Turns out still love to cook, don’t mind doing the dishes if music is blasting and I am wearing gloves, and content creation has helped. I know that sounds silly, but it has been helping me get up in the morning, put in my contacts and put myself together. I came up with an entire calendar for things I want to make, ideas that I have, blog posts I want to work on. Will anything come from it, who’s to say; but until I get some proper medication in me, there will be no job hunting. That sounds like a train wreck waiting to implode.
So join me as I enter this delulu era of my life. Content creation, getting all these ADHD thoughts I have in my head and doing something productive and creative with them. Otherwise, they will rot inside of me and I will find myself awake at 1am for no reason other than the fact my brain decided it was done sleeping and needed to stress me out about something. So instead of putting on a calming podcast or video, I toss and turn on tiktok for two hours while the dogs take up the entirety of the king bed and the only way to go back to sleep is write a blog post at 3:40am. I wish I was joking.
Yes, while it does seem like maybe my mental health isn’t better, I promise you, this is better than my normal in Charleston. Which says a lot, and I really should find a therapist soon, once I get on insurance anyway. Thank you for coming to my rant about my life, I am excited to see where this new journey takes me and what could come of my new hyper fixation. Even if nothing happens, at least I am brushing my teeth in the morning.
Bisou
Tara Ashley